He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
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I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The adults are the big ones right?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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