she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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