You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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