Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
