I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
