I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
