The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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