she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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