....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
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He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
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I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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