I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So apparently I’m into choking now
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
