Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
