I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
