u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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