It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
