Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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