i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
