where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
