one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
