Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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