grandma shit on top of the toilet
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
