I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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