I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
