Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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