I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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