and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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