I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My vagina is officially offended.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
