I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
