I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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