I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
