On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
