I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
