is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
