Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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