On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I need to calm my uterus...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
