she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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