i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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