I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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