I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
