i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
