They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
