i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
