My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
