You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
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