im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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