tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
