your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
