There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
