I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
