What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
