i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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