I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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