her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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