i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
