You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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