i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
