so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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