i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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