my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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