Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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